"you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart.."

i wish your actions would leave my head forever, and i only wish that you wouldn't have ruined my fucking mind. and that you wouldn't have done the things you did, early on and during the later years. and i wish you would have had better examples, and me too. now i don't know what is normal and what isn't and i hate how much of an impact you have on my thoughts and how you are always in the back of my mind, and how every way you fucked me over haunts me, keeps me up at night. five years or so of that and another one but in a different type of fucked up situation has ruined me.



i always want to be chased, and cared for-but on my terms. and i try the best i can but i don't always know if i'm doing the right thing, or a good thing, or if i'm following the rules of a "normal" relationship. i was never good enough, in one way or another, and this haunts me, haunts me bad. i always doubt myself now, only in relationships though. anything else, i have no fear.



i do know, however, know that what i'm feeling is true and real and if it lasted a lifetime i would be better off than i would have been with the other ones, it would be exactly what i've always wanted. and this scares me because every time i thought something was exactly what i wanted it ended, and generally not well. i know i can't hold back and i try my best not to, i try my best to be the best girlfriend that i can but i'm never sure my best is good enough. and i spent a lot of time substituting my love or lack there of with things, i won't do that now, i think honestly, because i don't need nor do i want it in return. i do know, that sometimes when i fall asleep in bed after doing my homework and tanner comes to bed it is one of the best sensations i've experienced, this is a feeling i can physically feel up and down my body, and it's generally something as simple as this: "hey princess, you tired? did you finish your homework?.. okay, wanna come cuddle with me?(and i always move over to do so) i love you(and i swear this is said with meaning and sometimes so much so it gives me the chills), good night.." and so this is how i know that this love that i'm feeling is real and good and right.. i just need to fix my brain so my heart and brain can run together.

i'm a selfish brat.

I need to be more.. sensitive, I was going to say supportive, but I'm a supportive girlfriend. I think so anyway. I actually pretend to listen for real when he talks about blow out valves and running straight pipe and blah blah blah whateva. But I reallly listen when he calls me princess and pretty girl.

My problem is the rest of the world is simply an interruption to my world, and sometimes I have more going on in my head than I can handle and I don't stop to think about little things in life.

What brought this up is boyfriend usually spends the night over here, and I'm so comfortable at home that I don't think it would be nice to spend the night over there more. In all honesty, it was never a big deal when I was never home, I would go days without seeing my mom and I technically lived in the same house. Then I moved to Georgia and began missing her horribly and then she got the cancer so I don't want to not be with her, I guess. But this period in my life was when I was working 50+ hours a week, spending the night with my ex boyfriend, and I would go to work for at least 8 hours, not come home until my mom was sleeping, if at all, and then do the same thing the next day. So the point is I just don't think all the time. And I'm not this comfortable anywhere else, not even my own daddy's house, just here with my ma and step dad and dog and cats and Guido, the fish.

I mean I feel bad, but hello we can talk about being pregnant freely in this house and my mom walked in on us having sex and all she said was "oh my god, you guys just got home from a hotel", I don't know and maybe I just need to quit being so selfish.. I mean I love boyfriend's parents and I think they are adorable and his mom is so neat and crafty and I loooove that, and his dad has an amazing sense of humor, and has a huge heart and.. most of all they give me real hope that true love still exists and they make me smile just watching them..I need to quit being selfish. That's all.

New goal: Use my head.

i still got it.

some days you need to know that you still got what your mama gave ya, or whatever.

my mom really didn't give me anything, genetically speaking..

but all i'm sayin' is regardless of if you are single, happily married, divorced, like your boyfriend more than you wanted to or thought you would because you wake up to him calling you a princess or telling you that you are beautiful every morning, a swinger, a whore, whateva, it feels damn good to be noticed by a random boy jogging down the street, and a good looking one at that.

army boy, you made my day.

...

I feel an immense amount of guilt.

I viewed a picture of an 11 year old boy, he skateboards, bikes, has the tough outer shell that an eleven year old boy should have, except when you push him to get into freezing Pacific Ocean water. In his face you can view his emotions, and while I can't exactly put my finger on what emotion it is, it was one that not filled with joy. I forget how hard his life has been, how much of a front that hard exterior is. How much he is only 11 years old and not as tough and manly he acts.. because he is only 11..almost 12. I forgot, if only for a moment, that is mom is in jail, on her way to prison for possession of crystal meth, and this was going on when they were sleeping in their beds at night.

I forgot that his Dad yells at him to bring his shit inside when he has been home for 20 seconds and for no reason lashes out. I almost forgot how bad I want to steal his(and his sister's) pain because for a day and a half they were or acted unappreciative, and most likely they don't even know how to appreciate little things.

I feel guilt because I wouldn't have gone in the water and we called him a sissy, and honestly at that age, and probably even now I wouldn't have gone in either if people were pressuring me. Water so cold you can hardly breathe is really not enjoyable.

:)

I don't want this to drag on..

so just know that should you ever fall I'll be there to catch you, should you run out of strength, I'll be yours, and should you ever need to lean on me, I'll be there. I won't stray, and won't let you down.

I envy you for your strength and your ability to keep your head held high. I wouldn't be able to.

I truly treasure the time we have spent together, the way you make me laugh until I cry, the conversations that have been held, the times that have been spent saying nothing at all, but they still seem to speak in volumes. The way you cuddle with my doggy, and let Bart inside. The fact that you don't care where I've been or what I've done, and the way that you know my deepest secrets but that doesn't cause you to hold back, you seem to only care where I'm going.

Just know I'll be here should you ever need a friend, or a girlfriend, or both.

57 days...

in less than 2 months, i will be here.

hello paradise.

"the only thing that stays the same..

..is that everything changes"

A year ago almost to the day I was set to fly back to Georgia, my sister had a kid, I had a boyfriend so instead of flying back I stayed and walked away from a great job and an education. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I'm thankful because of what I have going on now.

I stayed for a boy, mostly. I don't regret that at all. After all is said and done I'd like to say I'm sorry but I know he won't listen.

A year ago, minus a few months, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Shortly after her chemo she lost her hair, and we all lost our minds a little bit. I tried my hardest to hold her up, as my sister was busy with her family and my step dad is not so sensitive, and some things only a daughter can understand. I forgot I did things for her, like wash her hair, change her clothes, make her bed for her. Things that any person in their right mind would do because what kind of person would complain? I held her up with no one holding me up. I'm proud of her because a year minus a few months later she has her hair back and is done with chemo and is stronger than before. She never gave up, never really asked why her.

I'm in constant awe of how much a life can change in a year. Of how much I changed. How much a person, a family, a life can change in a year, due to a loss, due to a gain, due to a fight against or with something.

I need a Porsche.

Honestly, there are few better ways to spend a Monday then sitting in the infield of Laguna Seca and proceeding to ride around the track in a Porsche 911 going at least 120 miles an hour, I was too chicken shit to look after I saw we were going 111 mph. Even if you aren't a car person this was still, simply put, fucking cool. Boyfriend was ballsy enough to ask the guy with the Ruf Porsche for a ride, lucky him. He returned with a sore arm from holding on so tight. They got kicked off the track for the car being too loud. Something to do with twin turbos blah blah blah. I just like going fast and the shiny black cars and the sexy racing suits. We both came back to town hearing race cars in our heads.

Note to self: Buy a Porsche.

Another note: Learn to drift. Now, I just need an all wheel drive car to hold me over until I buy the Porsche.

Bye bye Hubert, Hello Audi.

Respect Thy Vagina

I understand the importance of respecting your parents. Truly, I do. I respect my parents and everything they have provided for me; from unconditional love to an ample amount of opportunity and support.

This whole thing came to me this morning at work. I started blaming myself for my mom having the cancer because when I came back from Georgia I told a particular shithead ex-boyfriend that I was going through chemo therapy because as he was playing with my hair it was falling out and sometime before that I had a "spot" removed, twice, and the whole thing was that I was testing him to see if he would stay with me even when his mom called and he truthfully, honestly thought I was going through chemo therapy. Guess what? He left when mommy called.

Side note: Yes, I know lying about chemo therapy and cancer is not a joke but this was before the cancer came into the picture. So no, I don't tell chemo or cancer lies any longer.

All I can say to boys, is respect and love your mother, but respect and love the vagina you are fucking equally (but completely differently because shit like loving your mom and girlfriend the same is not legal here in California), because (personally) I may believe in tough love, but trust you me, I will love you and take care of you in ways your mother cannot.

I'm just sayin'.

mars and venus.

I might be hard to get, or enjoy playing that game, but we both know my smile can't lie. Once I love you, I'll love you and I swear nothing will compare.

I always thought that I needed to change myself as a partner, and as a girlfriend. I needed to be more like this girl or more sweet, more caring, more afraid to tell my boyfriend to fuck off if he was being a jerk, be more all about whoever I was dating. That's just not me as a person, at all. I was raised to be independent, raised to stand on my own. Raised to never depend on a man for anything. In retrospect every boy I have ever depended on has let me down, this made me go and seek my own personal joys even when I had a boyfriend because a boyfriend or even my own dad has never been 100% reliable. If I wasn't able to seek my own happiness, I wouldn't be able to be happy in a relationship.

I was reading Jake's blog and would like to state a girl's point of view, or at least this girls.. Every girl wants to be called hot, pretty, beautiful, whatever. Every girl wants to be their boyfriend's trophy so to speak, but we also do want to be loved(obviously.. don't we all?). No, most guys can't mix the two, but when your boyfriend tells you "damn girl you look so fucking gorgeous" then of course you want to walk around being his gorgeous girlfriend and you want him to be proud of you and to show you off because that particular day you look exceptionally good. On the other hand, you want him to hold you the same when you haven't washed your hair for 3 days and haven't showered for one. Girls also want a boyfriend that is going to miss them when they are gone, crawl back into bed and say "I missed you, I was thinking about you the whole time I was gone". We can also get into definitions of hot, beautiful, pretty, cute whatever. And that brings on a whole new discussion but I think the point is, you are right, most guys are scum, but most girls are looking to look good, at least to some extent, and not all girls care if their boyfriend actually cares what they have to say, that's why they spend hours getting ready, wear pounds of make up, and let their titties hang out, they need to feel attractive.

oh you silly boys..

I'm posting this at the risk of getting into some slight trouble, but fine don't read it.


6 years and one day ago today I became your girlfriend. I always doubted it, as I have always been a pessimist in the relationship department. Partly my fault due to lack of confidence, and I blame some on a horrible divorce. For the life of me I cannot figure out what in the fuck I was holding onto for six years. Six fucking years. I'm using 6 years very losely because there were all sorts of breaks, but yes, I was always holding onto that little tiny bit of hope regardless of how I felt about someone else, until very recently. The only thing that I can come back to is the way I would lay there unable to move on my own aside from the trembles due to sheer pleasure after you would eat me out like you were made to do it. If you could have been paid for that you would have been a millionaire by now. And your image got me a little bit too.

But 6 years and one day later, I have a new boyfriend and I had a new boyfriend before that, you just never knew, no one really knew, and that was both of our faults. I never took you to be a liar, especially to my face, but I should have known because you are, after all is said and done, just a boy. Oh, and I did the same. New boyfriend is a good boyfriend. He calls me pretty girl more often then he calls me by my own name, brought me breakfast in bed, but isn't afraid to get down. He isn't afraid to be apart of my life and my family. Nearly every morning I wake up to him telling me I'm so cute and he kisses me, except this morning he told me to suck it because I left to go to work. But that was okay because it was funny and he was half asleep, and unknowingly he sent me to work with a smile on my face.

Old boyfriends, thank you for ruining my head but loving me in two entirely different ways, because this has helped to shape me into the person that I am today and the person that I will become. While I am still a little skeptical about relationships, boyfriend understands and without me saying so he understands that I have been let down a lot, by people I never really should have been let down by(not just bfs). He hasn't walked away yet, even when he showed up and I was wearing cowgirl boots, even with my issues regarding blankets, and even though I move a million billion trillion times a night.

Boyfriend, if you read this, hi! I like you!

I hope that old boyfriends are happy, because regardless of how we ended, they are great people in their own ways and I think they deserve the best. Honestly.

Suck It, College.

I officially decided to quit school, at least now. I've tried and tried again and promised that I'd do great etc etc etc.. Nope.

I was told this was foolish, but in my opinion, so is doing something you hate. Right? RIGHT. I mean shooting up black tar heroin is foolish, but people still do it because it makes them happy. Yes this can really set me back in life, and yes I will be missing out on so much blah blah blah but my alternatives are as follows:

A. I find a job in San Francisco, move into a studio, buy an iHome and enjoy life dancing around in my underwear in my apartment living off cup of noodles because chances are I WILL be poor.

B. I try to get a job as a flight attendant which honestly is a job I have wanted my whole life and continue to do that until I get tired of saying "peanuts or pretzels? No sir, we don't have Pepsi, only Coke". I would be able to travel for free, meet all kinds of people, and get the experince of a life time.

C. Boyfriend wants to go to a school in South Carolina, and I go with. This isn't like oh god we are madly in love and cannot be apart blah blah, it's like hey what a cool place to get lost and if we hate it, at least we hate it together and if all else fails we just listen to Pandora Radio via the CAMputer or walk around and view history or ride bikes at night and partake in other various activities that may or may not be appropriate for open public internet viewing. Just depends on who is reading.

OH AND..

D. I'll most likely be 21 by the time any of this happens so my plan to become a raging alcoholic may be in effect by then. We shall see.

The point? I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. AT ALL. And how am I ever going to figure it out by staying here? I'm not experiencing anything new.
And to put any troubled minds at ease I would continue taking online classes so at least I have somethin'.

All of this makes more sense to me then waking my ass up at 7:00 am to drive to the foreclosure capitol of the country to take classes that don't hold my interest for more then 10 minutes. Or I could cuddle with boyfriend for an extra half hour, sleep while he's in class more cuddle time and/or breakfast, and then play with AJ and Joshua, who also make more sense then driving to the foreclosure capitol of the country.

College can kiss my white ass goodbye, at least for now.

"blue eyes, you're the reason for my change"

I guess you come home from war and get drunk and get fucked. What else would make any sense? You see the unthinkable, do the unthinkable, and come back to civillian life and get drunk and get fucked, why would you not?

I watched Generation Kill religiously, and if it is anything like reality is, I'd do the same.

Randomly and quite often I have an overwhelming desire to write. Mainly just my thoughts, things I see, things I do, things I feel would benefit someone somewhere out there if they read it. I never really have the opportunity because these desires present themselves when I'm driving down the 5 or on 17 south to Santa Cruz. It feels like it should be a passion, and should perhaps be something that I do with my life, but there is so much to do out there I can't wrap my head around one tiny thing.

I always look for signs, I take everything as a sign. For example, I always get e-mails from CSUMB and I'm telling boyfriend "it's a sign, I need to go there.." and then I think to myself "oh wait, that's the only school I asked for information from". I need to find what I want to do with the rest of my life. Because signs through e-mails really aren't cutting it.

I'm currently looking into a marketing career. How fabulous would it be to work for the marketing department for Anthropologie and look bitchin' while doing it? And be able to fuel my need for a new GTI, a small cottage, and my new found scarf addiction. How could I not? But is the school worth it? Is it worth it to take some stupid biology class, knowing that I will most likely never need biology to be staring down some asshole in a board room while presenting my latest idea?

I would like to think that I am lucky. I've always had a family that supported me, my mom tells me I'm beautiful nearly everytime I leave the house, my dad tells me "you get more and more pretty everytime I see you". Not to mention they are usually saying they are proud of me or complimenting me in one way or another. I'd also like to think that I have a sense of humor that people would kill for, and an ability to laugh through anything. In this horrible economy where people are desperate for jobs, I've been offered three. People are usually drawn to me, and I'm honestly not sure why. I can see things that I haven't been through, understand a lot more about people than I'd like to, but I can't go to school, don't have a desire to do so, and playing at a park with boyfriend, nephew, and cousins is more important. I think there is something wrong with me.