"you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart.."

i wish your actions would leave my head forever, and i only wish that you wouldn't have ruined my fucking mind. and that you wouldn't have done the things you did, early on and during the later years. and i wish you would have had better examples, and me too. now i don't know what is normal and what isn't and i hate how much of an impact you have on my thoughts and how you are always in the back of my mind, and how every way you fucked me over haunts me, keeps me up at night. five years or so of that and another one but in a different type of fucked up situation has ruined me.



i always want to be chased, and cared for-but on my terms. and i try the best i can but i don't always know if i'm doing the right thing, or a good thing, or if i'm following the rules of a "normal" relationship. i was never good enough, in one way or another, and this haunts me, haunts me bad. i always doubt myself now, only in relationships though. anything else, i have no fear.



i do know, however, know that what i'm feeling is true and real and if it lasted a lifetime i would be better off than i would have been with the other ones, it would be exactly what i've always wanted. and this scares me because every time i thought something was exactly what i wanted it ended, and generally not well. i know i can't hold back and i try my best not to, i try my best to be the best girlfriend that i can but i'm never sure my best is good enough. and i spent a lot of time substituting my love or lack there of with things, i won't do that now, i think honestly, because i don't need nor do i want it in return. i do know, that sometimes when i fall asleep in bed after doing my homework and tanner comes to bed it is one of the best sensations i've experienced, this is a feeling i can physically feel up and down my body, and it's generally something as simple as this: "hey princess, you tired? did you finish your homework?.. okay, wanna come cuddle with me?(and i always move over to do so) i love you(and i swear this is said with meaning and sometimes so much so it gives me the chills), good night.." and so this is how i know that this love that i'm feeling is real and good and right.. i just need to fix my brain so my heart and brain can run together.

i'm a selfish brat.

I need to be more.. sensitive, I was going to say supportive, but I'm a supportive girlfriend. I think so anyway. I actually pretend to listen for real when he talks about blow out valves and running straight pipe and blah blah blah whateva. But I reallly listen when he calls me princess and pretty girl.

My problem is the rest of the world is simply an interruption to my world, and sometimes I have more going on in my head than I can handle and I don't stop to think about little things in life.

What brought this up is boyfriend usually spends the night over here, and I'm so comfortable at home that I don't think it would be nice to spend the night over there more. In all honesty, it was never a big deal when I was never home, I would go days without seeing my mom and I technically lived in the same house. Then I moved to Georgia and began missing her horribly and then she got the cancer so I don't want to not be with her, I guess. But this period in my life was when I was working 50+ hours a week, spending the night with my ex boyfriend, and I would go to work for at least 8 hours, not come home until my mom was sleeping, if at all, and then do the same thing the next day. So the point is I just don't think all the time. And I'm not this comfortable anywhere else, not even my own daddy's house, just here with my ma and step dad and dog and cats and Guido, the fish.

I mean I feel bad, but hello we can talk about being pregnant freely in this house and my mom walked in on us having sex and all she said was "oh my god, you guys just got home from a hotel", I don't know and maybe I just need to quit being so selfish.. I mean I love boyfriend's parents and I think they are adorable and his mom is so neat and crafty and I loooove that, and his dad has an amazing sense of humor, and has a huge heart and.. most of all they give me real hope that true love still exists and they make me smile just watching them..I need to quit being selfish. That's all.

New goal: Use my head.

i still got it.

some days you need to know that you still got what your mama gave ya, or whatever.

my mom really didn't give me anything, genetically speaking..

but all i'm sayin' is regardless of if you are single, happily married, divorced, like your boyfriend more than you wanted to or thought you would because you wake up to him calling you a princess or telling you that you are beautiful every morning, a swinger, a whore, whateva, it feels damn good to be noticed by a random boy jogging down the street, and a good looking one at that.

army boy, you made my day.

...

I feel an immense amount of guilt.

I viewed a picture of an 11 year old boy, he skateboards, bikes, has the tough outer shell that an eleven year old boy should have, except when you push him to get into freezing Pacific Ocean water. In his face you can view his emotions, and while I can't exactly put my finger on what emotion it is, it was one that not filled with joy. I forget how hard his life has been, how much of a front that hard exterior is. How much he is only 11 years old and not as tough and manly he acts.. because he is only 11..almost 12. I forgot, if only for a moment, that is mom is in jail, on her way to prison for possession of crystal meth, and this was going on when they were sleeping in their beds at night.

I forgot that his Dad yells at him to bring his shit inside when he has been home for 20 seconds and for no reason lashes out. I almost forgot how bad I want to steal his(and his sister's) pain because for a day and a half they were or acted unappreciative, and most likely they don't even know how to appreciate little things.

I feel guilt because I wouldn't have gone in the water and we called him a sissy, and honestly at that age, and probably even now I wouldn't have gone in either if people were pressuring me. Water so cold you can hardly breathe is really not enjoyable.

:)

I don't want this to drag on..

so just know that should you ever fall I'll be there to catch you, should you run out of strength, I'll be yours, and should you ever need to lean on me, I'll be there. I won't stray, and won't let you down.

I envy you for your strength and your ability to keep your head held high. I wouldn't be able to.

I truly treasure the time we have spent together, the way you make me laugh until I cry, the conversations that have been held, the times that have been spent saying nothing at all, but they still seem to speak in volumes. The way you cuddle with my doggy, and let Bart inside. The fact that you don't care where I've been or what I've done, and the way that you know my deepest secrets but that doesn't cause you to hold back, you seem to only care where I'm going.

Just know I'll be here should you ever need a friend, or a girlfriend, or both.

57 days...

in less than 2 months, i will be here.

hello paradise.

"the only thing that stays the same..

..is that everything changes"

A year ago almost to the day I was set to fly back to Georgia, my sister had a kid, I had a boyfriend so instead of flying back I stayed and walked away from a great job and an education. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I'm thankful because of what I have going on now.

I stayed for a boy, mostly. I don't regret that at all. After all is said and done I'd like to say I'm sorry but I know he won't listen.

A year ago, minus a few months, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Shortly after her chemo she lost her hair, and we all lost our minds a little bit. I tried my hardest to hold her up, as my sister was busy with her family and my step dad is not so sensitive, and some things only a daughter can understand. I forgot I did things for her, like wash her hair, change her clothes, make her bed for her. Things that any person in their right mind would do because what kind of person would complain? I held her up with no one holding me up. I'm proud of her because a year minus a few months later she has her hair back and is done with chemo and is stronger than before. She never gave up, never really asked why her.

I'm in constant awe of how much a life can change in a year. Of how much I changed. How much a person, a family, a life can change in a year, due to a loss, due to a gain, due to a fight against or with something.