"you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart.."

i wish your actions would leave my head forever, and i only wish that you wouldn't have ruined my fucking mind. and that you wouldn't have done the things you did, early on and during the later years. and i wish you would have had better examples, and me too. now i don't know what is normal and what isn't and i hate how much of an impact you have on my thoughts and how you are always in the back of my mind, and how every way you fucked me over haunts me, keeps me up at night. five years or so of that and another one but in a different type of fucked up situation has ruined me.



i always want to be chased, and cared for-but on my terms. and i try the best i can but i don't always know if i'm doing the right thing, or a good thing, or if i'm following the rules of a "normal" relationship. i was never good enough, in one way or another, and this haunts me, haunts me bad. i always doubt myself now, only in relationships though. anything else, i have no fear.



i do know, however, know that what i'm feeling is true and real and if it lasted a lifetime i would be better off than i would have been with the other ones, it would be exactly what i've always wanted. and this scares me because every time i thought something was exactly what i wanted it ended, and generally not well. i know i can't hold back and i try my best not to, i try my best to be the best girlfriend that i can but i'm never sure my best is good enough. and i spent a lot of time substituting my love or lack there of with things, i won't do that now, i think honestly, because i don't need nor do i want it in return. i do know, that sometimes when i fall asleep in bed after doing my homework and tanner comes to bed it is one of the best sensations i've experienced, this is a feeling i can physically feel up and down my body, and it's generally something as simple as this: "hey princess, you tired? did you finish your homework?.. okay, wanna come cuddle with me?(and i always move over to do so) i love you(and i swear this is said with meaning and sometimes so much so it gives me the chills), good night.." and so this is how i know that this love that i'm feeling is real and good and right.. i just need to fix my brain so my heart and brain can run together.