57 days...

in less than 2 months, i will be here.

hello paradise.

"the only thing that stays the same..

..is that everything changes"

A year ago almost to the day I was set to fly back to Georgia, my sister had a kid, I had a boyfriend so instead of flying back I stayed and walked away from a great job and an education. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I'm thankful because of what I have going on now.

I stayed for a boy, mostly. I don't regret that at all. After all is said and done I'd like to say I'm sorry but I know he won't listen.

A year ago, minus a few months, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Shortly after her chemo she lost her hair, and we all lost our minds a little bit. I tried my hardest to hold her up, as my sister was busy with her family and my step dad is not so sensitive, and some things only a daughter can understand. I forgot I did things for her, like wash her hair, change her clothes, make her bed for her. Things that any person in their right mind would do because what kind of person would complain? I held her up with no one holding me up. I'm proud of her because a year minus a few months later she has her hair back and is done with chemo and is stronger than before. She never gave up, never really asked why her.

I'm in constant awe of how much a life can change in a year. Of how much I changed. How much a person, a family, a life can change in a year, due to a loss, due to a gain, due to a fight against or with something.

I need a Porsche.

Honestly, there are few better ways to spend a Monday then sitting in the infield of Laguna Seca and proceeding to ride around the track in a Porsche 911 going at least 120 miles an hour, I was too chicken shit to look after I saw we were going 111 mph. Even if you aren't a car person this was still, simply put, fucking cool. Boyfriend was ballsy enough to ask the guy with the Ruf Porsche for a ride, lucky him. He returned with a sore arm from holding on so tight. They got kicked off the track for the car being too loud. Something to do with twin turbos blah blah blah. I just like going fast and the shiny black cars and the sexy racing suits. We both came back to town hearing race cars in our heads.

Note to self: Buy a Porsche.

Another note: Learn to drift. Now, I just need an all wheel drive car to hold me over until I buy the Porsche.

Bye bye Hubert, Hello Audi.

Respect Thy Vagina

I understand the importance of respecting your parents. Truly, I do. I respect my parents and everything they have provided for me; from unconditional love to an ample amount of opportunity and support.

This whole thing came to me this morning at work. I started blaming myself for my mom having the cancer because when I came back from Georgia I told a particular shithead ex-boyfriend that I was going through chemo therapy because as he was playing with my hair it was falling out and sometime before that I had a "spot" removed, twice, and the whole thing was that I was testing him to see if he would stay with me even when his mom called and he truthfully, honestly thought I was going through chemo therapy. Guess what? He left when mommy called.

Side note: Yes, I know lying about chemo therapy and cancer is not a joke but this was before the cancer came into the picture. So no, I don't tell chemo or cancer lies any longer.

All I can say to boys, is respect and love your mother, but respect and love the vagina you are fucking equally (but completely differently because shit like loving your mom and girlfriend the same is not legal here in California), because (personally) I may believe in tough love, but trust you me, I will love you and take care of you in ways your mother cannot.

I'm just sayin'.

mars and venus.

I might be hard to get, or enjoy playing that game, but we both know my smile can't lie. Once I love you, I'll love you and I swear nothing will compare.

I always thought that I needed to change myself as a partner, and as a girlfriend. I needed to be more like this girl or more sweet, more caring, more afraid to tell my boyfriend to fuck off if he was being a jerk, be more all about whoever I was dating. That's just not me as a person, at all. I was raised to be independent, raised to stand on my own. Raised to never depend on a man for anything. In retrospect every boy I have ever depended on has let me down, this made me go and seek my own personal joys even when I had a boyfriend because a boyfriend or even my own dad has never been 100% reliable. If I wasn't able to seek my own happiness, I wouldn't be able to be happy in a relationship.

I was reading Jake's blog and would like to state a girl's point of view, or at least this girls.. Every girl wants to be called hot, pretty, beautiful, whatever. Every girl wants to be their boyfriend's trophy so to speak, but we also do want to be loved(obviously.. don't we all?). No, most guys can't mix the two, but when your boyfriend tells you "damn girl you look so fucking gorgeous" then of course you want to walk around being his gorgeous girlfriend and you want him to be proud of you and to show you off because that particular day you look exceptionally good. On the other hand, you want him to hold you the same when you haven't washed your hair for 3 days and haven't showered for one. Girls also want a boyfriend that is going to miss them when they are gone, crawl back into bed and say "I missed you, I was thinking about you the whole time I was gone". We can also get into definitions of hot, beautiful, pretty, cute whatever. And that brings on a whole new discussion but I think the point is, you are right, most guys are scum, but most girls are looking to look good, at least to some extent, and not all girls care if their boyfriend actually cares what they have to say, that's why they spend hours getting ready, wear pounds of make up, and let their titties hang out, they need to feel attractive.