oh you silly boys..

I'm posting this at the risk of getting into some slight trouble, but fine don't read it.


6 years and one day ago today I became your girlfriend. I always doubted it, as I have always been a pessimist in the relationship department. Partly my fault due to lack of confidence, and I blame some on a horrible divorce. For the life of me I cannot figure out what in the fuck I was holding onto for six years. Six fucking years. I'm using 6 years very losely because there were all sorts of breaks, but yes, I was always holding onto that little tiny bit of hope regardless of how I felt about someone else, until very recently. The only thing that I can come back to is the way I would lay there unable to move on my own aside from the trembles due to sheer pleasure after you would eat me out like you were made to do it. If you could have been paid for that you would have been a millionaire by now. And your image got me a little bit too.

But 6 years and one day later, I have a new boyfriend and I had a new boyfriend before that, you just never knew, no one really knew, and that was both of our faults. I never took you to be a liar, especially to my face, but I should have known because you are, after all is said and done, just a boy. Oh, and I did the same. New boyfriend is a good boyfriend. He calls me pretty girl more often then he calls me by my own name, brought me breakfast in bed, but isn't afraid to get down. He isn't afraid to be apart of my life and my family. Nearly every morning I wake up to him telling me I'm so cute and he kisses me, except this morning he told me to suck it because I left to go to work. But that was okay because it was funny and he was half asleep, and unknowingly he sent me to work with a smile on my face.

Old boyfriends, thank you for ruining my head but loving me in two entirely different ways, because this has helped to shape me into the person that I am today and the person that I will become. While I am still a little skeptical about relationships, boyfriend understands and without me saying so he understands that I have been let down a lot, by people I never really should have been let down by(not just bfs). He hasn't walked away yet, even when he showed up and I was wearing cowgirl boots, even with my issues regarding blankets, and even though I move a million billion trillion times a night.

Boyfriend, if you read this, hi! I like you!

I hope that old boyfriends are happy, because regardless of how we ended, they are great people in their own ways and I think they deserve the best. Honestly.

Suck It, College.

I officially decided to quit school, at least now. I've tried and tried again and promised that I'd do great etc etc etc.. Nope.

I was told this was foolish, but in my opinion, so is doing something you hate. Right? RIGHT. I mean shooting up black tar heroin is foolish, but people still do it because it makes them happy. Yes this can really set me back in life, and yes I will be missing out on so much blah blah blah but my alternatives are as follows:

A. I find a job in San Francisco, move into a studio, buy an iHome and enjoy life dancing around in my underwear in my apartment living off cup of noodles because chances are I WILL be poor.

B. I try to get a job as a flight attendant which honestly is a job I have wanted my whole life and continue to do that until I get tired of saying "peanuts or pretzels? No sir, we don't have Pepsi, only Coke". I would be able to travel for free, meet all kinds of people, and get the experince of a life time.

C. Boyfriend wants to go to a school in South Carolina, and I go with. This isn't like oh god we are madly in love and cannot be apart blah blah, it's like hey what a cool place to get lost and if we hate it, at least we hate it together and if all else fails we just listen to Pandora Radio via the CAMputer or walk around and view history or ride bikes at night and partake in other various activities that may or may not be appropriate for open public internet viewing. Just depends on who is reading.

OH AND..

D. I'll most likely be 21 by the time any of this happens so my plan to become a raging alcoholic may be in effect by then. We shall see.

The point? I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. AT ALL. And how am I ever going to figure it out by staying here? I'm not experiencing anything new.
And to put any troubled minds at ease I would continue taking online classes so at least I have somethin'.

All of this makes more sense to me then waking my ass up at 7:00 am to drive to the foreclosure capitol of the country to take classes that don't hold my interest for more then 10 minutes. Or I could cuddle with boyfriend for an extra half hour, sleep while he's in class more cuddle time and/or breakfast, and then play with AJ and Joshua, who also make more sense then driving to the foreclosure capitol of the country.

College can kiss my white ass goodbye, at least for now.

"blue eyes, you're the reason for my change"

I guess you come home from war and get drunk and get fucked. What else would make any sense? You see the unthinkable, do the unthinkable, and come back to civillian life and get drunk and get fucked, why would you not?

I watched Generation Kill religiously, and if it is anything like reality is, I'd do the same.

Randomly and quite often I have an overwhelming desire to write. Mainly just my thoughts, things I see, things I do, things I feel would benefit someone somewhere out there if they read it. I never really have the opportunity because these desires present themselves when I'm driving down the 5 or on 17 south to Santa Cruz. It feels like it should be a passion, and should perhaps be something that I do with my life, but there is so much to do out there I can't wrap my head around one tiny thing.

I always look for signs, I take everything as a sign. For example, I always get e-mails from CSUMB and I'm telling boyfriend "it's a sign, I need to go there.." and then I think to myself "oh wait, that's the only school I asked for information from". I need to find what I want to do with the rest of my life. Because signs through e-mails really aren't cutting it.

I'm currently looking into a marketing career. How fabulous would it be to work for the marketing department for Anthropologie and look bitchin' while doing it? And be able to fuel my need for a new GTI, a small cottage, and my new found scarf addiction. How could I not? But is the school worth it? Is it worth it to take some stupid biology class, knowing that I will most likely never need biology to be staring down some asshole in a board room while presenting my latest idea?

I would like to think that I am lucky. I've always had a family that supported me, my mom tells me I'm beautiful nearly everytime I leave the house, my dad tells me "you get more and more pretty everytime I see you". Not to mention they are usually saying they are proud of me or complimenting me in one way or another. I'd also like to think that I have a sense of humor that people would kill for, and an ability to laugh through anything. In this horrible economy where people are desperate for jobs, I've been offered three. People are usually drawn to me, and I'm honestly not sure why. I can see things that I haven't been through, understand a lot more about people than I'd like to, but I can't go to school, don't have a desire to do so, and playing at a park with boyfriend, nephew, and cousins is more important. I think there is something wrong with me.